A Beautiful Beginning ~

New Steps, New Milestones!

26th of May marked 6 months since we tied the knot. Since we said I do. Since we promised each other a"forever", and I thought it was the perfect time to mark this mini-milestone with an ode to those beautiful days that we lived. It's true what they say, live in the moment, especially through your wedding days as they slip away so quickly!! I remember living each moment fully, yet today I long for those moments so dearly. The endless love, the pampering, the moments that teach you who truly stand by you, the love & joy in the eyes of your dear ones, the little efforts everyone makes to make you feel cherished. The combination of love, happiness, pride and a sliver of pain, you see in the eyes of your parents. Their courage to officially 'let you go’, as society puts it; but we had decided that this will be different! There will be no letting go, but only welcoming with wide arms. No societal burdens, but only happiness. No mindless planning, but a thoroughly lived celebration. There were so many unconventional decisions we took as a couple and as families that came together to make this union possible. I will forever be grateful to my loved ones for believing in me and accepting  our love and decisions truly and whole-heartedly. To my love, Rohan for making everyone "his" from the  moment  he entered my life. I always say this, ‘I married him because he gave me space to be myself, for loving me for who I am, and accepting me along with my thoughts and beliefs  in ways that no one could imagine.

1. The Vows — a bit modern & conventional? Yes! But hear me out. We din’t want a sangeet or a cocktail night or anything conventional. Ours was a proposal, so we never had an official engagement celebration and so we made up an event just to celebrate ‘Us’ along with our closest ones. 50 dearest to each made a combination of 100 guests for the evening before the big day. We wrote our own vows and made these promises to each other, formally announcing our engagement with our wedding bands  to all our dearest. This night was like no other. It was a combination of heart-felt vows, love pouring in from our family & friends in the form of speeches, expressing our deepest love for our parents and of course tears, lots of them. Maybe it was an overshare for our guests; but believe me when I say it - It was so special. A night dedicated to the couple and their loved ones. No loud music, but interactions between the two families. An opportunity to get to know each other and the new member coming into the family. An evening filled with overwhelming emotions. That's what weddings are for! Right?

2. The Jnana Prabodhini Way — Coming from 4 different cultures, we were persistent of not following one particular cultural way of rituals. While the Sanatan Dharma way of tying the knot was important to both of us, we knew that Jnana Prabodhini would be the right way forward —  a progressive, meaningful, and reformist approach to Hindu marriage ceremonies, which highlighted the importance of love, unity, mutual respect and equality in the institution of marriage. These rituals took place with the blessings of our loved ones accompanied by the presence of the 4 elements of nature; fire, water, earth and air who played witness to our union. It was a magical morning as the air echoed with the sacred mantras recited and explained by our women pandits. The vibrancy in the air and how seamlessly the rituals went by were proof  of the many blessings that backed us.

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3. No Kanya Daan — While the Hindu rituals were very important to us, we  chose to opt out of patriarchal ideologies. We  decided not to indulge in the  traditional ‘KanyaDaan’ - while we understand that the meaning & purpose of the ritual has nothing to do with ‘donating’ the daughter (as the name suggests) we still chose to embrace it in our own way. We performed ‘KanyaAnanda' - a name that my father came up with - he said I promise to share the joy of having a daughter with your family (groom’s family). And we welcome your son as our own into our family.

4. The Mangalsutra Exchange - reimagined — My question was ‘why do only grooms get to tie the mangalsutra or the sacred thread, around the necks of their brides? The Mangalsutra word evolves from the Sanskrit words mangal (meaning auspicious & prosperous) and sutra (translates to a thread or cord), it has two purposes; one,  it acts as a visual symbol of a women’s marital status, and two, the golden necklace adorned by blackbeads  symbolizes the scared vachans (promises),  prosperity, stability, longevity along with the ability to ward off an evil eye and protect the marriage from negativity. In today's generation, don’t we promise equal halves of everything? So I got Rohan a gender modified mangalsutra too - a gold chain adorned with a pendant with Tirupati Balaji’s  image on it; as my equal promise to him. And when I say we included it in our rituals, I mean we did the whole thing - with a separate mantra said by our women pandits, while I held the thread, waiting to put it around his neck. I  assure you, the joy on his face was captured in all the pictures you see too!

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5. The embrace of a Mother’s saree carrying also blessings of my grandparents — It is an understatement to say that I am an emotional child. I grew up with my Apuppa and Amamma (Nana & Nani) around me, through my childhood, teenage and adulthood. I was specifically very attached to my Apuppa as I travelled and spent a considerable amount of time with him. He also happened to be one of the first losses I experienced  in my life; and it was a tough one.  He and Amamma had bought this gorgeous rani pink Banarasi saree for mom for her wedding, 33 years ago, and I chose to drape this very saree for the main rituals of our wedding. It was not only the identity of the beginning of my parents beautiful marriage for me, but it was also filled with abundant blessings from my Apuppa. It was my way of having his presence on my big day. And Amamma stood beside me like a rock during it all!

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6. The Red Bride — Yes, I know there is nothing unconventional about it. But, in a Maharashtrian wedding the bride’s  mama (maternal uncle)  buys her the wedding saree, which is traditionally yellow in colour. And this saree is worn for  the Magalashtaka recitation. The term originates from the Sanskrit words mangala (meaning auspicious or blessed) and ashtak (meaning eight). The ceremony comprises of 8 Sanskrit verses praying to various Hindu deities (such as Ganesha, Vishnu, Shiva, and Lakshmi) to remove obstacles and protect the marriage. As I wanted to be a red bride, my mama and mami bought me a beautiful red banarasi saree which I styled with a red veil and a red butti double drape duppata. It was a good choice indeed!

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7. No Gifts were exchanged between the two families. Exchanging gifts as a  form of respect is a significant part of our marriage culture, wherein the two families set to tie the knot gift numerous items to one another as a sign of acceptance, respect and to build a strong relationship. We are of the belief that we do not have to gift materialistic items to express or gain respect from one another. These gifts are also bought for extended family members which makes it a  burdensome process - not only monetarily, but also with the effort of selection of these gift items for  the intended. Choices differ and there is no guarantee that the other person might  like it as much as you do. And hence we eliminated this process entirely. Instead, our parents chose how they wanted to honour their respective family members - which worked really well for us.

   
   

8. Shared Union  — Rohan and I agreed to a 50-50 responsibility in all shared costs of the wedding. This was  very important  for both of  us. In many parts of our country the responsibility of the marriage falls on one family. To be more precise, in our Maharashtrian culture, it is the mainly the girl’s family who takes responsibility for the marriage events, while in a Marwadi setting (as he has strong roots in Rajasthan) the boy’s family take the monetary responsibility. We  mutually decided to share these expenses.

9. Followed Emotions Over Trends — We did not get influenced by trends, rather stuck to what deeply resonated with us. No loud decors or set-ups. Each and every set up was an illustration of a nostalgic memory or core values demonstrated. The night of our engagement, the decor was minimalistic and mirrored a Diwali evening at home with fairy lights, candles lighting the pathways, subtle lighting and lit divas reflecting off the water. No stage, just a sofa adorned with a combination of pastel flowers (artificial flowers, to avoid wastage) for us to perch on while we exchanged rings.

   
   

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   For the morning of the wedding, our colour  palette comprised of earthy and fresh tones; whites, browns, greens with hints of pinks from rose petals. We placed Ganpati Bappa, the lord of new beginnings at the venue entrance to bless us and eliminate any 'vignas' (hurdles), followed by fresh Nishiganda flowers for stationary decor around the venue (which was later reused in the ballroom during Magalashtaka). My love for Nishigandhas (tube roses) is deeply rooted in childhood memories of dad bringing them for mom and their scent fills me with happy nostalgia, that I wanted to share with Rohan as well. Banana leaves and banana bunches signifying prosperity and new beginnings, teamed with heritage furniture as reflection of our south Indian roots also strengthened the vibe. We had an outdoor set-up for the initial wedding rituals, once again adorned with artificial flowers to eliminate wastage; as we took pheras with water, fire, air and earth as our witnesses. For the ballroom mangalashtaka we choose a backdrop that read out  the scared Sanskrit mantra ‘Vakratunda Mahakaya Suryakoti Samaprabha Nirvighnam Kuru Me Deva Sarva-Kaaryeshu Sarvada’, meaning "O Lord Ganesha, the one with a curved trunk and a mighty form, whose brilliance is equal to a million suns, Please remove all obstacles from my endeavours. Always and Forever.” The  combination of these tiny elements was  an acknowledgement of  who we are as individuals and what we take with us into our new journey as a couple —  the blessings, the lessons and spirituality that continue to back us.

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10. Name Change? — Another patriarchal ritual we eliminated was of the name change; a ritual where the groom and his family chooses a new name for his bride. This not only entails the bride adopting his family name, but also accepting an entirely new personal name; it was seen as a complete integration of the bride into her new family. The ritual entails the groom writing the new name (by which she would be known in future) in a plate full of rice grains with a gold ring while the priest recites a mantra. While some accept this whole-heartedly, it is after all a personal choice. As for me, I grew up with a name and identity that my parents gave me and I choose to keep it. Rohan wrote ‘श्रेया’ and said the most beautiful thing, firstly he was not aware of the existence of such a ritual until I had mentioned it to him and second, he said that ‘No one has the right to take your identity away from you. I fell in love with you and I am marrying you. So  it's only  proper that I stay married to you, and not to a changed identity.’

11. The Modern Gruha Pravesh — Another question I had was why do only girls  make Gruha Pravesh into her Sasural? When we promised s to equally share everything, it  was very natural that even Rohan  make his Gruha Pravesh in his sasuraal. And he got it!. My parents welcomed him home with a silver pot  filled with rice and red vermilion water to mark his entry as a son into our home. How cute is that? The way I was welcomed into his home, he was similarly welcomed into mine.

Throughout this journey, what helped me the most was being aligned with my partner on what was important to us. We shared and discussed everything in detail to ensure that we were on the same page. Importantly, we are blessed to have families who support us through our choices and help make them into reality.

Your wedding festivities are one of the most beautiful events you will experience in life, so make sure you do everything that feels right and important to you - as an individual and as a couple. Every bride is unique in her own way, her choices are valid and deserve to be brought to life. It’s easier said than done, but don’t let society or trends intimidate you to do something you would not like to do. You will carry these memories for life, so ensure you live it to the fullest, leaving no space for regrets. And most important of all, enjoy every single moment, do not try to control everything on the big day, just take it all in and preserve it in the deepest corners of your heart.